Did you notice anything special about last Tuesday? Of course, it was Super Tuesday; where republicans in a whole glut of states over the pond decide which of the candidates is the least bad. Now, politics in Britain has always been a rather bland affair compared to the USA. Now, we do have our fair share of fruitcakes (Nadine Dorries; and of course, the ever “loveable” Nigel Farage); but they are mere scones compared to the wedding cake of the American political scene. As much as you can dislike the Conservatives, they don’t inspire the same level of “Oh Mary Mother of Jesus” reaction that the GOP presidential hopefuls do. So, if you’re wondering who is in the race to compete against Obama in the Autumn, here’s my handy cut out and keep guide.
MITT ROMNEY
Despite having a first name that sounds like an item of winter clothing; ‘Mitt’ is the current front-runner in the race to win the Republican nomination. However, he has decided to make his task as hard as possible by being as unlikeable to everybody as is possible; whilst pretending to be all things to all people. The seemingly moderate candidate (although ‘moderate’ needs to be contextualised in a country where they think the best way to combat gun crime is to make sure everyone has a gun; and the comedic dystopian vision of terror that is Fox News is considered a serious news outlet) has upset economic conservatives by implementing a healthcare system in Massachusetts that proved to be quite similar to the downright-socialist Obamacare health model. Despite being a Christian, Romney isn’t the right flavour of Christian for the Christian right; instead being a Mormon, and not one of those ‘real’ Christians. And Romney has upset moderates by jumping on every conservative bandwagon going; from abortion to gay rights. It also doesn’t help that in a time when there is growing scepticism of neo-liberal capitalists that Romney is absolutely stinking rich. I mean, he earns about $21 million a year. And the guy just doesn’t understand that when a lot of people are struggling to make ends meet; comments such as “I don’t watch Nascar, but a lot of my friends own teams” don’t go down well. But he is the front runner….
RICK SANTORUM
And this is why. The main challenger to Romney is Rick Insantorum. This guy isn’t just conservative with a capital C. He’s conservative in several mile high granite letters. He once remarked that gay relationships were tantamount to bestiality; believes that global warming is a conspiracy to provide an excuse for “THE LEFT” to increase government intervention in our lives (rejecting all mainstream scientific evidence) and that creative design (i.e. magic man did it) was a “a legitimate scientific theory that should be taught in science classes”. TAKE THAT SCIENCE AND REASON. Santorum has done well in states where the distrust of Romney is greatest; and the love of the wackiest fish in the barrel drives the vote. Santorum is the definition of unelectable. A beaker of stagnant water would hold more mainstream electoral appeal in the Presidential election. But for some reason he is still in the race. Coincidentally; his surname has been appropriated by campaigners to take on a whole new meaning. Google 'Santorum'.
NEWT GINGRICH
The man who sounds like a bad skin condition is the third lame duck to chase the GOP nomination. He’s trailing somewhat, having only managed wins in South Carolina and Georgia (his home state). Newt is kinda hard to work out. He’s supported Tea Party candidates; but is also (surprisingly) fairly environmentally friendly. But other than that he spouts the same songs that the increasingly loud section of Republicans enjoy hearing: God; gays are bad; God; Obama is the reincarnation of Stalin; and a bit more God. In fact, the only interesting policies are his pro-Space and pro-child labour policies. He is committed to a moon base by 2020 (8 years to build it, I’m sure it’ll happen) and believes that unionised, full-time workers should be sacked and replaced by kids (real vote-winner there).
RON PAUL
Fourth.
Romney will win the nomination, as he’s the most electable the Republicans have. But at the moment, that’s not saying much. After the drawn out battle between nominees; each attacking each other at every available opportunity; it clearly provides Obama with an easier run-in; especially if the economic outlook of the USA continues to look ever less doomy. However, for us over on this side of the pond; watching any American election race is truly fascinating; even more so when we look at our own politicians; and as unlikeable as they can be; they are nothing compared to our friends across the pond.
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