Olympic Advert Bingo

In celebration of the fact it's only about 100 days until the London 2012 Olympic games, I'd thought I treat all you faithful readers to a FREE gift! Below is a 'cut out and keep' Olympic Advert Bingo card, for you to print out and play 'Olympic Advert Bingo' FOR FREE in the long, laborious run up to the start of the games.

HOW TO PLAY

1. Settle down in front of the television, and get your bingo card ready.
2. When the adverts start, keep your eyes peeled to see whether any of the characteristics listed on the bingo card appear.
3. If you find an advert with one of the characteristics, cross it off.
4. Continue playing for the duration of the advert break.
5. First person to get a row or a column gets a 'bingo', first person to get all ticked off wins a 'house'*!
6. If no-one has a 'bingo' or 'house', continue the game into the next ad break
7. Want to play again? Simply print off another bingo card and wait in front of the TV

So there you have it, a short, sweet blog post today; but an eternity of fun to be had. FOR FREE!


*Not a real house

Advertising; or 'you can’t polish a turd, but some fancy editing can make it look like chocolate mousse'

Now adverts are rarely designed to be enjoyed. Their primary and only function is to convince us to lighten our wallets in exchange for some product. You can’t polish a turd, but some fancy editing can make it look like chocolate mousse. However, some adverts appear to have been designed to generate nothing but unadulterated hatred. Here, in no particular order, are five of the current worst offenders.

“The HTC One Freefall Fashion Shoot”

Being HTC is easy. All you need to do is make a phone that’s like an iPhone. But not an iPhone. Bingo. The marketing of said phone is also, not impossible. It should go something along these lines: “This phone is very much like an iPhone. It does all that crap the iPhone can do. But it’s cheaper. And you don’t have to sell your soul to Apple; just Google”. Easy.

But this is what they come up with. What a minute of hatred. Look at this pretentious prick taking photos of a woman who appears to have been caught in an explosion in a mirror factory. But fuck me, he’s doing it whilst falling from an airborne vehicle. And he’s taking photos of the human mirrorball on his mobile. So, if I want a phone to use in my everyday quest of photographing people plummeting to earth; I should buy a HTC. If I want one that has apps that can check email, make fart noises or send text messages; I should get an iPhone. That’s the intended message. Right?

“HSBC TV ad -- Lemonade Hong Kong Dollar”

Banks have had a hard time recently. After being blamed for the recession, who could blame them for wanting to present a more human face. SO LET’S USE A HUMAN. A REAL HUMAN GIRL. Which would be fine; apart from the fact that this girl has all the charm of an Ikea bookcase. The ruthlessness in business she demonstrates indicates to me in 30 years time she’ll be the CEO of United Tobacco and Landmines. The theme of the ad is the ease of globalisation, cunningly demonstrated through her ruthless fleecing of foreign tourists. That’s the spirit of global co-operation.

“Sensodyne Advert - Dr. Mark Hughes”

Science is wonderful. Unless you see it on an advert. To marketing men, science is no more than a bunch of buzzwords and complicated images that make it look like ‘something’ is happening rather than ‘not much’; which is usually the reality. “Novamin” sounds rather less than a magic tooth repairing enzyme thing; and more like a tatty cruise ship. Sensodyne decide to up the all-round debauchery of science by having a dentist talk to a shakey mobile phone camera (not a HTC One X as he’s not currently hurtling towards terra firma), before a fantastic stat informs us ‘9 out of 10 dentists recommend Sensodyne’. I wonder what that one dentist who didn’t recommend toothpaste would offer us instead. Toilet duck? Brillo pads? Canesten?

“Walls Talking Dog - New Sausage Roll Advert 2011 - "Garage"”

“He can’t really express himself, cos he’s just a bloke really”. What a phrase. The fact that this ‘bloke’ is the kind of guy who gets emotional at eating into cylindrical portion of meat-flavoured carcass engulfed in a layer of ‘brown’ is one thing; but to then make the viewer endure this ecstasy-induced nightmare of a teeny-tiny ugly dog playing a keyboard, singing about the joys of sausage rolls and the inability of anyone with a Y chromosome to express joy even at the prospect of garage-bought toilet fodder is just insulting. File it under the new category of ‘adverts for people who gather their knowledge of current affairs from what the Page 3 girls say'. Which appears to be an increasing section of the public.

“adidas presents Take the Stage: all 2012”

The pride. The glory. The sporting moments that will linger in the collective memories of the world, created on our doorstep. These are all things that this advert left me hating. The Olympics are something we should look forward to (and I am, you may be surprised to hear). However, adverts like this one are doing their damn hardest to ruin it before it’s even begun. Throw together a veritable smorgasbord of ‘of the moment’ celebrities into the same situation. Get one of them to make a fairly unlistenable 60 second soundtrack, whilst adding in the token ‘celebrity over the age of 30’ to try and appeal beyond the target audience of consumers aged between 15 years old and 15 years old. End with a rooftop party that only happens in these loud, neon enhanced advirtual worlds to complete the unlikeability. If this is a taste of the kind of turgid rubbish we have to sit through that is vaguely linked to the Olympics, I’m glad we’ll never host another major sporting event. Let Qatar have the World Cup, so long as they take our adverts as well.

FourZeroFourSix's guide to the multiplex, Part I: Bay-esque Explodathons

This blog post marks the beginning of a new series on FourZeroFourSix looking at the state of present-day cinema. To give you a flavour of what to expect, I was planning on calling the series ‘Aren’t Almost All Modern Movies Absolutely Shit’. First of all, lets carve up the corpse of the genre of film that will henceforth be known as ‘Michael Bay-esque Explodathons’.

If you’re not familiar with Michael Bay, you’ll certainly be familiar with his work. He’s the name behind Armageddon, Pearl Harbour, Bad Boys and, most notably (for us, anyway) the Transformers series. I must point out, I do enjoy Armageddon, and Bay is not an all-round awful film-person; but he has a bombastic style of explosions, loud noises, over-reliance on CGI and convoluted storylines which have influenced a whole modern genre of film. Looking at the film listings for this week (April 2012), and his influence can be seen in films such as ‘Battleship’, ‘Wrath of the Titans’, ‘John Carter’, and even the ‘half-term wallet emptier’ Journey 2. But what exactly do these films have in common.

We don't dislike you Michael. Just your contribution to film.

First; and a recent development that isn’t exclusive to just ‘Bay-esque Explodathons; is a slavish devotion to large scale special effects, especially CGI. Whether it’s animating a large space pebble gliding through the cosmos, a very large aquatic vehicle or a bunch of oversized Hasbro toys that change from cars into inelegant destructive robots from out of space; these films feature special effects at the expense of other facets of films, such as character development, or plot. Now, in the ‘olden days’; films could get away with spectacular special effects and nothing else, as the standard of special effects was generally a man moving a toy around in front of a black table cloth. But now, special effects and computer imagery are taken for granted (partially due to the rise in ‘Bay-esque’ movies), so audiences expect (and demand) more than just impressive special effects. But yet, these films don’t offer much more.

You can CGI a huge man on fire, but your fancy computer trickery can't implant a storyline.

The next common feature is, in general, a lack of originality. Look at the list of ‘Bay-esque’ movies currently showing. We have 2 sequels, a film based on a book and a film based on a game sold by Woolworths for £2.99 back in the day. And, even the two sequels are based on films based on popular stories. Transformers, of course, are based on the inane toys released when Reagan and nuclear Armageddon was all the rage. Comic books (Iron Man, 300, Thor), and theme park rides (Pirates of the Caribbean merits a place here purely for the barrel scraping desperation of the later films) are a common source other films that I’d classify as ‘Bay-esque’. This doesn’t mean that Bay-esque films can’t be original. Far from it, in fact, and the worst films of the genre (i.e. 2012) are original ideas. It seems basing your Bay-esque film on existing source material allows the scope for creating a car-crash of a storyline; at worst creating a mediocre hash of a popular cultural text; and at best making the storyline hard to find in amongst the film.

"I've got an idea for a film. It might seem a little 'out-there', but stick with me..."

Thirdly, bizarre celebrity casting is fairly common. As the storyline; and subsequently, characters; are peripheral concerns at best, this means you can cast anyone in your film. This opens the door for celebrities galore to inhabit roles they couldn’t get in other films that have any of that ‘character development’ crap. Take Rihanna in the forthcoming Battleship. What the hell? Rihanna? Rihanna? Was she cast on her ability to play or suitability for the role? Or was she cast because she’s Rihanna. A maybe controversial statement, but is Dwayne Johnson cast because he’s Dwayne Johnson (the action actor), or because he’s still seen as ‘The Rock’ (you could argue that he is now a successful actor, but his debut in the Scorpion King is harder to justify). Of course, having a celebrity in is a brilliant idea, as it attracts the fans of said celebrity to see the movie, SIMPLY to see their favourite star. I look forward to when ‘One Direction’ fans flock to see the boys in ‘MULTIPLE EXPLOSION LOUD NOISE MONSTER FILM IN ANCIENT TIMES BUT IN SPACE’.

Bay-esque films have flooded the film market in the manner similar to a blocked toilet. Most modern action, sci-fi, ‘historical venture’ and even family adventure films owe an unfortunate debt of gratitude to Bay-esque films. Bay-esque films, despite being as critically well received as a 4 hour celluloid ode to sewage, mostly do very well at the box-office, hence why studios will continue funding them. They’re expensive to make, but boy, do they make the money back. However, the complete and utter failure of John Carter might be a sign that cinema-goers are growing tired of the formulaic blandness of ‘Bay-esque’ movies. 

We can only hope, as it’s only a matter of time before someone decides to remake Blade Runner, with Deckard (played by Taylor Lautner) battling a 40 foot tall Roy Batty (Michael ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino), on the moon, whilst trying to win the love of the replicant Nicki Minaj (played by Nicki Minaj) backed by Nickelback.

Bah.

That Tory party pricelist in full...

Not wanting to do another blogpost on politics, this is too good to pass up on. Since the revelation that donating £250,000 is enough to secure yourself a meal with the Prime Minister, there has been public outrage (of sorts). But what you haven't seen is the full price-list Cruddas kept in his pocket*. I can exclusively reveal it now:

ConservativesForYou - The ideal gift for anyone aspiring to influence government policy

• £250,000 - Dinner with the cabinet member of YOUR choice.
• £350,000 - You'll feel like you've been deported 'out of this world' with your very own tailored Theresa May 'Spacesuit', SIGNED by the woman herself

Look positively futuristic in this fetching 'item of clothing of tomorrow'

• £400,000 - Fancy a gift to really make a song and dance about? Treat a loved one to a private John Redwood concert (N.B. John will not sing any Welsh songs)
• £500,000 - Bored with the same old schools. Get your very own customisable Free School or Academy, yours to do what you want with.
• £550,000 - Want to stand out from the crowd? Let William Hague be your very own personal shopper

Is this stylish fellow Gok Wan? No, why it's our very own 'Fashion Secretary', William Hague!

• £600,000 - Looking for that romantic getaway with the chance to facilitate major arms deals? Private holiday for two with Liam Fox (N.B. If Adam Werrity asks, you know nothing)
• £700,000 - Why not take lunch that one step further, and have dinner cooked for you by the cabinet member of YOUR choice
• £800,000 - Dislike somewhere in the world? Why not declare war with a minor country of YOUR choice
• £900,000 - Treat someone you care about with the gift of good health, by choosing a hospital or major NHS clinic to own.
• £1 million - Fancy being the man with his finger on the nuclear button? Nick Clegg's master? The head honcho? Buy our Prime Minister experience, and for a day, you will legally be in charge of the country.

For only £1 million, you too can be just like David Cameron!

So don't delay; place your order now to guarantee delivery before 2015!

*I made it up, if you can't tell.

Oh my GOP: Super Tuesday and other American electoral exploits

Did you notice anything special about last Tuesday? Of course, it was Super Tuesday; where republicans in a whole glut of states over the pond decide which of the candidates is the least bad. Now, politics in Britain has always been a rather bland affair compared to the USA. Now, we do have our fair share of fruitcakes (Nadine Dorries; and of course, the ever “loveable” Nigel Farage); but they are mere scones compared to the wedding cake of the American political scene. As much as you can dislike the Conservatives, they don’t inspire the same level of “Oh Mary Mother of Jesus” reaction that the GOP presidential hopefuls do. So, if you’re wondering who is in the race to compete against Obama in the Autumn, here’s my handy cut out and keep guide.

MITT ROMNEY

Despite having a first name that sounds like an item of winter clothing; ‘Mitt’ is the current front-runner in the race to win the Republican nomination. However, he has decided to make his task as hard as possible by being as unlikeable to everybody as is possible; whilst pretending to be all things to all people. The seemingly moderate candidate (although ‘moderate’ needs to be contextualised in a country where they think the best way to combat gun crime is to make sure everyone has a gun; and the comedic dystopian vision of terror that is Fox News is considered a serious news outlet) has upset economic conservatives by implementing a healthcare system in Massachusetts that proved to be quite similar to the downright-socialist Obamacare health model. Despite being a Christian, Romney isn’t the right flavour of Christian for the Christian right; instead being a Mormon, and not one of those ‘real’ Christians. And Romney has upset moderates by jumping on every conservative bandwagon going; from abortion to gay rights. It also doesn’t help that in a time when there is growing scepticism of neo-liberal capitalists that Romney is absolutely stinking rich. I mean, he earns about $21 million a year. And the guy just doesn’t understand that when a lot of people are struggling to make ends meet; comments such as “I don’t watch Nascar, but a lot of my friends own teams” don’t go down well. But he is the front runner….

RICK SANTORUM

And this is why. The main challenger to Romney is Rick Insantorum. This guy isn’t just conservative with a capital C. He’s conservative in several mile high granite letters. He once remarked that gay relationships were tantamount to bestiality; believes that global warming is a conspiracy to provide an excuse for “THE LEFT” to increase government intervention in our lives (rejecting all mainstream scientific evidence) and that creative design (i.e. magic man did it) was a “a legitimate scientific theory that should be taught in science classes”. TAKE THAT SCIENCE AND REASON. Santorum has done well in states where the distrust of Romney is greatest; and the love of the wackiest fish in the barrel drives the vote. Santorum is the definition of unelectable. A beaker of stagnant water would hold more mainstream electoral appeal in the Presidential election. But for some reason he is still in the race. Coincidentally; his surname has been appropriated by campaigners to take on a whole new meaning. Google 'Santorum'.

NEWT GINGRICH

The man who sounds like a bad skin condition is the third lame duck to chase the GOP nomination. He’s trailing somewhat, having only managed wins in South Carolina and Georgia (his home state). Newt is kinda hard to work out. He’s supported Tea Party candidates; but is also (surprisingly) fairly environmentally friendly. But other than that he spouts the same songs that the increasingly loud section of Republicans enjoy hearing: God; gays are bad; God; Obama is the reincarnation of Stalin; and a bit more God. In fact, the only interesting policies are his pro-Space and pro-child labour policies. He is committed to a moon base by 2020 (8 years to build it, I’m sure it’ll happen) and believes that unionised, full-time workers should be sacked and replaced by kids (real vote-winner there).

RON PAUL

Fourth.

Romney will win the nomination, as he’s the most electable the Republicans have. But at the moment, that’s not saying much. After the drawn out battle between nominees; each attacking each other at every available opportunity; it clearly provides Obama with an easier run-in; especially if the economic outlook of the USA continues to look ever less doomy. However, for us over on this side of the pond; watching any American election race is truly fascinating; even more so when we look at our own politicians; and as unlikeable as they can be; they are nothing compared to our friends across the pond.

FourZeroFourSix does FourZeroFive: The mad world of Sky Sports News

As I write, an authoritarian Russian with views on making sure his empire is known throughout the world has flexed his political muscles and demonstrated just who is in control. If you’re watching BBC News, ITV, Sky News, Channel 4 News (and maybe even Channel 5 News); you’ll recognise that description as being Putin. If your goggle box is switched to a certain ‘Sky Sports News’, however, I have just summarised Roman Abramovich firing Andre Villas-Boas (by far the best dressed man in football; not that competing against Tony Pulis’ cap is considered a challenge). Sky Sports News operates in its own universe. No real events in the news ever infringe upon the importance of Rooney’s latest misadventures or the ‘Iliad’ of our times; the Tevez affair. So let’s get the clichés out, and examine the fine broadcasting carried out on channel 405.

Sky Sports News relies on the weird, wacky and eccentric characters that you can only truly create when paying a footballer the cost of a nice detached house in the Midlands per week. Players such as Wayne Rooney, Mario Balotelli, El Hadj Diouf; and, of course, Carlos Tevez are the lifeblood of SSN. One wonders just what exactly would have filled the INNUMERABLE hours the channel dedicated to covering one man refusing to turn up to work; had Tevez simply seen sense. But, as he had a strop, Sky Sports News adopted the kind of serious depth of coverage usually reserved to international man hunts. Tevez wasn’t simply ‘not turning up for training’; he was portrayed as the sporting world’s equivalent of Lord Lucan.

Our parents had the moon landings. We had Tevez.

The channel brought in lip-readers; to help analyses whether he really had refused to play a football match. The extraordinary thing was that Sky Sports News managed the impossible feat of extracting blood from a stone; and turned a small dispute into the BIGGEST NEWS STORY OF THE DECADE. In the space of the Carlos Tevez Saga: 100 people were killed in a car-bomb in Mogadishu; Gadaffi was found dead; Libya liberated; Spanish separatists ETA down arms; Turkey was hit by a 7.2 magnitude earthquake; the global population reached 7 billion people; the war in Iraq ended, the Queen spent 70 years on the throne and there were two Eurozone bailouts. But yet, the biggest story was Carlos Tevez.

But of course, Sky Sports News isn’t just about football. Oh no! Its name is ‘Sky SPORTS News’. However; a little like the pork content in bargain sausages, the proportion of non-football ‘SPORT’ on Sky Sports News is remarkably low. Now, for someone who doesn’t really give much of a care for sports much beyond football; this is no problem for me. For others, who may prefer ‘hitting balls with sticks’;

‘chasing oval balls’;

or ‘hitting different balls with a range of different sticks’;

Sky Sports News doesn’t try overly hard to cater for your needs. If the sport you’re interested in is currently broadcast on one of Sky Sports’ plethora of channels, then you’ve got a chance of seeing a brief 40 second round-up of the match you’re interested in. If not, then good luck! ‘Sport’ ends after Sky Sports 4. But, this does mean that considerable time is dedicated to sport that may not widely receive much coverage. Like speedway; which appears to be some variation on ‘Rollerball’; played on a dystopian post-apocalyptic wasteland (on later investigation, this appears to be Coventry). I’d also class boxing here; which Sky Sports News state are global, internationally relevant sporting events that can only be accessed through Sky Box Office; coincidentally.

Scene from Rollerball (1975)

Speedway

Sky Sports have revolutionised the presentation of sport. Whereas before a man in a brown suit would sit in a brown studio and discuss with another man (wearing a similarly coloured-suit) the results in Division One; before having to make way for a show inevitably presented by Bruce Forsyth; Sky Sports News made reading out a load of scores exciting, sexy and LOUD. Look at transfer deadline day. A 24 hour period full of enough sound effects, CGI graphics and men looking serious in front of fancy technology to keep Jack Bauer in business for a dozen or so more series. Every transfer window feels exciting if there are enough people telling you it is exciting! But that’s why Sky Sports is so successful. It takes the mundane minutiae of the sporting world and blows it up to such extreme proportions that you can’t help but be engrossed. There’s something rather comforting in pretending that the biggest issue in the world isn’t the possible nuclear intentions of Iran, the global economy teetering on the precipice again, or the uncertain future of the UK; but instead whether or not Harry Redknapp may or may not have been approached for the England job, and whether he would or wouldn’t take it. It may be as far removed from the real world as you can get, but it’s hard not to be taken in by the world of Sky Sports News.

How to: WIN A BRIT AWARD

The BRIT Awards were in town last week, and boy did they not disappoint. Well, I mean, they did not disappoint anyone who believes the physical extent of the concept of music is what is played in between adverts for carpeting firms and curry houses on Trent FM, or whatever name it goes by now. It was a celebration of the mundane, the inane and the insane. Watching Ed Sheeran change from a green Element t-shirt I’m sure was all the rage when I (therefore, himself) was about thirteen into his prom suit was one of a bizarre range of occurrences in this year’s cornucopia of crud. Previous BRIT Awards simply provided an excuse for the various warring factions of Britpop to get astoundingly drunk and start turf wars that were our British equivalent of the East-West rivalry in American Rap. Now it’s all rather like a school assembly celebrating the achievements of Year 6 pupils; which is rather fitting given that the BRIT Awards are run by the BRIT people who run the BRIT school. Now, I imagine that you, sat hunched over your electronic device, wonder aloud “I too would like to one day hold aloft a statuette and swear at ‘THE MAN’ for daring to remain within an allocated time slot”. Well, wish no more; as here is my non-guaranteed method to WIN A BRIT!

TAKE THAT YOU SUITS! THAT'LL TEACH THEM! UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS

POINT ONE: BE EITHER YOUNG OR OLD

The BRIT Awards love their extremes. Either be about the age at which education is still mandatory, ala One Direction and Edward Sheeran; or be older than the concept of mandatory education, ala Paul McCartney. With young performers, there’s always a feeling of ‘Wow, you did that ALL by yourself? Well done!’; as a parent would have towards a child who’s produced a particularly nauseatingly bright image using nothing but felt tips, glitter and enough PVA to ground Heathrow. They are also almost always universally popular, despite not being known by anyone over the age of 18 (this will be referred back to later). If you are old, the academy almost feels obliged to give you an award simply as congratulations for still being alive. Think of it as like a telegram from the Queen.

POINT TWO: HAVE HOARDS OF MYOPIC BRAINLESS FANS

Sheer numbers can win you out here, even if you’re part of a group without enough collective talent to fill an Argos biro, you can still reap unjust rewards. Imagine having a personal army of fans with nothing better to do than to constantly dredge your name up on Twitter and Facebook; whilst wasting their parents’ hard earned money on your CDs, your gigs, phoning in for you to vote for you in various pointless competitions and buying every piece of slave-labour produced tat available under the sun, all of it featuring the same dead-eyed image of yourself grinning like a lobotomised horse. Of course, your fame will be time limited, and anyone you may dare to date will be feared for their life in case a substantial proportion of Twitter issues a bounty on their head. But hey; you’ve got a BRIT! Who cares!?!?!

POINT THREE: HAVE BEEN ON A TELLY SHOW

Now, being on TV doesn’t just mean you will have had a long time to introduce the public to your sound and personality; it also means you’re probably on a record label controlled by Simon Cowell. Simon ‘Mr Music’ Cowell. There are other names for him, but I think it’d be impolite to publish them.  This literally means it is impossible for you to not pick up at least one award during your musical career, regardless of the musical merits of your warbling. If Cowell wants you to win an award, you better bring a wheel barrow to Wembley Arena…

TREMBLE AT THE POWER COWELL HOLDS. TREMBLE

POINT FOUR: GET AS MUCH AIRTIME AS POSSIBLE

Now, unfortunately, you can be the world’s greatest musician; but if you can’t display your talents in a 3:30 song which can be instantaneously identified and redistributed via every commercial radio station going, then WHAT USE ARE YOUR TALENTS!?! YOU ARE USELESS!! Short, catchy, no swearies, not challenging in any sense of the word, cheery, and upbeat (unless you’re a woman, e.g. Adele, Lana Del Ray). This will ensure that there is no gap to your airplay; and that somewhere in the UK, at any one time, your song will be belched out by some small part of the broadcast media.

POINT FIVE: BE AROUND FOR AGES

Linked in to the idea of ‘if you’re old, you’ll get an award’; if you keep going for an extraordinary amount of time, continually producing albums, like clockwork, every 18 months; then eventually someone at the BRIT academy will give you an award. Possibly to celebrate the huge and continued contribution to the musical landscape of the nation you have made. Or possibly to get you to stop.

POINT SIX: HAVE GONE TO BRIT SCHOOL AT SOME POINT

This is a no brainer. If you went to the BRIT school (as covered earlier, the same people who run the BRIT awards); the chances of winning a BRIT Award is much greater than if you went to St. Heathen’s Comprehensive School in Uttoxeter. Whilst the government is faffing around with the issues of Oxbridge favouring pupils from independent schools, they should tackle the real issue of the preferential treatment that ex-students of the BRIT school receive at the BRIT awards. Talk about friends in high places. Instead of giving people like Adele awards, I should win one. It’s only fair. And I’d value it more. She has, what, about 30? She’ll just dump them in some IKEA plastic box on wheels and shove it under her bed.

Those are just some possible routes into winning the ‘Dairylea’ of music awards. If you don’t want really fancy selling out on any of your core values, go for the Mercury Music award (although you will have to actually have some degree of musical competency and creativity). And if you can’t be bothered, but still want to win an award, simply turn up to the National Television Awards, and you get one in a party bag.

Speaking of awards, the Oscars are just about to start over in the land of Nicholas Cage. The one where no-one speaks will win. Probably.

Or Adele.

Should have brought a couple of carrier bags, really.