How to: WIN A BRIT AWARD

The BRIT Awards were in town last week, and boy did they not disappoint. Well, I mean, they did not disappoint anyone who believes the physical extent of the concept of music is what is played in between adverts for carpeting firms and curry houses on Trent FM, or whatever name it goes by now. It was a celebration of the mundane, the inane and the insane. Watching Ed Sheeran change from a green Element t-shirt I’m sure was all the rage when I (therefore, himself) was about thirteen into his prom suit was one of a bizarre range of occurrences in this year’s cornucopia of crud. Previous BRIT Awards simply provided an excuse for the various warring factions of Britpop to get astoundingly drunk and start turf wars that were our British equivalent of the East-West rivalry in American Rap. Now it’s all rather like a school assembly celebrating the achievements of Year 6 pupils; which is rather fitting given that the BRIT Awards are run by the BRIT people who run the BRIT school. Now, I imagine that you, sat hunched over your electronic device, wonder aloud “I too would like to one day hold aloft a statuette and swear at ‘THE MAN’ for daring to remain within an allocated time slot”. Well, wish no more; as here is my non-guaranteed method to WIN A BRIT!

TAKE THAT YOU SUITS! THAT'LL TEACH THEM! UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS

POINT ONE: BE EITHER YOUNG OR OLD

The BRIT Awards love their extremes. Either be about the age at which education is still mandatory, ala One Direction and Edward Sheeran; or be older than the concept of mandatory education, ala Paul McCartney. With young performers, there’s always a feeling of ‘Wow, you did that ALL by yourself? Well done!’; as a parent would have towards a child who’s produced a particularly nauseatingly bright image using nothing but felt tips, glitter and enough PVA to ground Heathrow. They are also almost always universally popular, despite not being known by anyone over the age of 18 (this will be referred back to later). If you are old, the academy almost feels obliged to give you an award simply as congratulations for still being alive. Think of it as like a telegram from the Queen.

POINT TWO: HAVE HOARDS OF MYOPIC BRAINLESS FANS

Sheer numbers can win you out here, even if you’re part of a group without enough collective talent to fill an Argos biro, you can still reap unjust rewards. Imagine having a personal army of fans with nothing better to do than to constantly dredge your name up on Twitter and Facebook; whilst wasting their parents’ hard earned money on your CDs, your gigs, phoning in for you to vote for you in various pointless competitions and buying every piece of slave-labour produced tat available under the sun, all of it featuring the same dead-eyed image of yourself grinning like a lobotomised horse. Of course, your fame will be time limited, and anyone you may dare to date will be feared for their life in case a substantial proportion of Twitter issues a bounty on their head. But hey; you’ve got a BRIT! Who cares!?!?!

POINT THREE: HAVE BEEN ON A TELLY SHOW

Now, being on TV doesn’t just mean you will have had a long time to introduce the public to your sound and personality; it also means you’re probably on a record label controlled by Simon Cowell. Simon ‘Mr Music’ Cowell. There are other names for him, but I think it’d be impolite to publish them.  This literally means it is impossible for you to not pick up at least one award during your musical career, regardless of the musical merits of your warbling. If Cowell wants you to win an award, you better bring a wheel barrow to Wembley Arena…

TREMBLE AT THE POWER COWELL HOLDS. TREMBLE

POINT FOUR: GET AS MUCH AIRTIME AS POSSIBLE

Now, unfortunately, you can be the world’s greatest musician; but if you can’t display your talents in a 3:30 song which can be instantaneously identified and redistributed via every commercial radio station going, then WHAT USE ARE YOUR TALENTS!?! YOU ARE USELESS!! Short, catchy, no swearies, not challenging in any sense of the word, cheery, and upbeat (unless you’re a woman, e.g. Adele, Lana Del Ray). This will ensure that there is no gap to your airplay; and that somewhere in the UK, at any one time, your song will be belched out by some small part of the broadcast media.

POINT FIVE: BE AROUND FOR AGES

Linked in to the idea of ‘if you’re old, you’ll get an award’; if you keep going for an extraordinary amount of time, continually producing albums, like clockwork, every 18 months; then eventually someone at the BRIT academy will give you an award. Possibly to celebrate the huge and continued contribution to the musical landscape of the nation you have made. Or possibly to get you to stop.

POINT SIX: HAVE GONE TO BRIT SCHOOL AT SOME POINT

This is a no brainer. If you went to the BRIT school (as covered earlier, the same people who run the BRIT awards); the chances of winning a BRIT Award is much greater than if you went to St. Heathen’s Comprehensive School in Uttoxeter. Whilst the government is faffing around with the issues of Oxbridge favouring pupils from independent schools, they should tackle the real issue of the preferential treatment that ex-students of the BRIT school receive at the BRIT awards. Talk about friends in high places. Instead of giving people like Adele awards, I should win one. It’s only fair. And I’d value it more. She has, what, about 30? She’ll just dump them in some IKEA plastic box on wheels and shove it under her bed.

Those are just some possible routes into winning the ‘Dairylea’ of music awards. If you don’t want really fancy selling out on any of your core values, go for the Mercury Music award (although you will have to actually have some degree of musical competency and creativity). And if you can’t be bothered, but still want to win an award, simply turn up to the National Television Awards, and you get one in a party bag.

Speaking of awards, the Oscars are just about to start over in the land of Nicholas Cage. The one where no-one speaks will win. Probably.

Or Adele.

Should have brought a couple of carrier bags, really.